“I started climbing upward taking one step at a time
The higher I got the harder I climbedI’m still climbing upward and my journey’s almost ended
I’m nearing the top and you ought to see the view
Oh the water flows freely, there’s enough to make you free
So friend if you’re thirsty climb this mountain with me”
- “Great High Mountain”
Last week, I was hit with something more difficult than I could ever imagine.
This has been an incredibly hard couple of years. My life has never been ‘peachy keen’, and I’ve accepted that, I mean I’m a survivor if nothing else, but sometimes I seriously think that something has got to give. First I moved away from my Grandma and Uncle (we all lived together) to live with my mom, then we moved back due to my mom’s personal issues and “relapsing” I guess… there were other incidents as well. Then last year, My uncle and very best friend came out, “fell in love with his soulmate” (who ultimately broke his heart) and aside from his random dude drama (and suicide worry over his first love breakup, which nothing happened thankfully but he was so depressed you couldn’t help but worry) and ultimately he found someone else (who I hope loves him as much as he does him) and then moved 4 hours away so I never got to see him. There was also my house fire, which left us homeless, with basically nothing and a new set of worry. After thanks to some truly *amazing* people who helped, we were able to settle into a new home and go about our lives again. In June I started my first job, and was consequently fired late last month due to yet another “relapse” from my mother. This was all bad enough, granted it was never as bad as it could be… well that was until I lost perhaps the most important member of our family, the glue which held us together.
On Sunday morning, my grandmother passed away due to a massive heart attack. She was a stubborn woman, sure, but she was an amazingly strong lady, who would have done anything for you if she could. She was an incredibly funny, sassy, loud (definitely loud!), and most definitely a stubborn country person (A self proclaimed “red neck woman”). She absolutely loved her dogs and family.
Since I was a baby I have always lived with her (It was always me, my mom, “mimi” my grandma, and my mom’s two brothers: my uncles.) we were always close, so it was just a traditional ‘grandparent’ you might see a few times a year, or maybe even a week if you are close with your grandparents. She was my sole grandparent (her husband passed away 28 years ago, and she never remarried, never dated anyone else.), but more than anything she was always like a second mother… and she didn’t hurt me in the ways my own biological mother has. Mimi had her ways… if you knew her you could say that, and you’d know exactly what we’re talking about. Doris was simply Doris. She was an original, one of a kind. As her only grandchild, I was definitely spoiled rotten! I remember driving up the roads with her when I was a kid singing “Gettin Jiggy With It” by Will Smith lol! I remember playings lots and lots of bingo, camping, and most important I remember how she taught me to be myself… and if people didn’t care to know me, well the didn’t deserve too. I definitely got some of her stubborn streak too.
For the past few years her health wasn’t the best, but we of course never expected this. We always joked, “she’ll outlive us all”. A smoker since her teens (about 2 1/2 packs per day these past years), several heart problems that run in her side of the family) and yes… that stubborn as hell side. You couldn’t get her to go to the doctor for anything in the world. Just last month I told her I would knock her out and we’d get her into the hospital then (lol, kidding of course), and she always said “I’ll be alright, I’ll be alright.” She even told me when I asked “Well what happens when you stop breathing in the middle of the night, how will we know, it will be too late” and her humor chimes in “Ohh, I’ll let you know!”
I will never forget that Sunday morning… While the one uncle who still lives with us had walked to the store and my mom still in bed, I was the one up (having not gone to bed; I’m a night owl as some people know) so I was the one who found her. I heard her her fall to her knees, and I went to check on her. I asked if she was alright, she took one last look up at me (still on her knees) and simply closed her eyes and stopped breathing… My mom and I of course tried to revive her, dialed 911 etc. But as they say, I guess it was her time… While I hate the image of finding her, it’s also a comfort to me that my uncle did not. (He has mental problems). I don’t think he would have been able to survive finding her. It’s also a bit of a peaceful serenity in the sense, she literally fell to her knees to meet her savior which was Jesus and be reunited with her one true love. Religious or not, there is something to be said there.
She had a simple service, just like she’d of wanted (I think more people came than she’d ever of expected). We played her two favorite songs “Go Rest High” by Vince Gill and “Long Black Train” by Josh Turner (who also physically resembled her late husband), well her other favorite song was “Whiskey Lullaby” (but we didn’t remember it at the time) and it was joked how she started saying “Play that at my funeral” to anyone who would listen. Everyone at the church had a big laugh when it was said in the eulogy. The song I will always think of Mimi when I hear is Jack White’s “Great High Mountain”. I remember watching Cold Mountain and The Color Purple with her two Christmases ago. ♥
Despite everything that happened to Mimi in her life; Losing her daddy and own grandmother… I know my mom hurt her deeply, her sisters have hurt her to the bone with the things they have done and said, I know it wasn’t easy for her when her son came out (You must also understand it was a different time for her) - despite always loving him regardless, and excited about meeting his partner (which would have been September 7th), my other uncle having a mental breakdown in his twenties, the hardest probably being the loss of her husband to cancer (and a lengthy battle with it too), and losing her sister 4 years ago, plus we all have our own things we regret. I know she didn’t live an easy life. If you were to write a book about her life, well there is no telling how long that thing would be because she was a true survivor. Again I say, she has always been the glue for us… Aside from being this family’s sole provider financially, I can hardly imagine how It’s gonna be for me if something happens with my mom again, and how I won’t have Mimi here for me.
Needless to say this has left my whole family devastated. Right now I’m trying to take some time “off”, gather my thoughts, and try to heal as best I can. Right now I’m drowning some pain with a lot of numbing with very mindless TV Shows and Movies… it’s the best medicine for me so that’s what I intend to indulge in. I do not yet know when I will fill fully able to resume normal activities online, in real life etc… I will not be gone fully I don’t think, sometimes a quick pick me up is needed. But I definitely not really gonna be ‘in contact’. I have already been very depressed with the previous mentioned things, and now this… I do know some of you out there who have been waiting on replies, layouts, etc, might not understand the reasons I can’t be online and that is okay. I really can not pay you back at this time as it took everything we had for her funeral, and now we are going to have to focus on living without her (like I mentioned she was our main provider). I am hoping later this year/early next I might be coming into some money and I will of course pay everyone back if not sooner. I simply can’t say for sure when, It’s basically out of my hands. I hope you can understand, but if not well, then feel free to e-mail me hateful words and throw tomatoes at me. Obviously this is more important than anything online, and I need to recover my mind before I work on anything else. Or else I might break all together. Let’s hope it doesn’t get to that.
Before I close, and bid a little farewell (like I said, this could be weeks, or a month or so, or not that long at all) I would really like to thank you Amy Blue ;) … I consider you one of my best friends and you have been there for me through a lot of things, and sometimes I don’t think I would have made it without having someone to cope (vent) too since it’s always about my own family, lol. I’ve shared a lot with you, going way out of fandom and fansites, more so than you probably wished for (LOL, bad luck girl indeed…) but I really thank you. If for some reason we never meet / lose touch, etc (which I hope never happens) you will always have a place in my heart for getting me through some dark times. and my other friends online some of which you know I’m closer to than others. I don’t really have many friends in real life, and I think you online ones are just as good!
I will quietly stalk you guys I’m sure, so I’m not officially “gone”, but I don’t expect I’ll be in touch like I have been in the past. Atleast for a while, I hope not too long, I guess you can only dwell for so long, but I thought I needed to post this message and let everyone know what happened, and that I am not dead (it’s hard to think sometimes as I have disappeared so often these last few years). hah! So maybe I’ll update sites now and then and read an e-mail or two (hidden under the massive amounts of google alerts and spam), but mostly I will be in the background or offline all together.
Back to resume my mindless show watching, I will see you around. Feel free to toss out some suggestions! haha!
PS. I love you Cameron. I’m totally raping T:SCC right now. haha!
